Funny Images to Share With 9year Old Who Is at Summer Camp
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Bruce Feiler writes the "This Life" column for Sunday Styles in The New York Times. He is the author of "The Secrets of Happy Families," and is on Twitter.
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KJ Dell'Antonia is the editor and lead writer of the Motherlode blog in The New York Times. She is the co-author of "Reading With Babies, Toddlers and Twos" and is on Twitter.
Ahhhh, Summer Freedom
Bruce, we've been making summer vacation plans here — which is to say plans for weeks, months, even — of outdoor fun, gardening, swimming, horseback riding, fence-building and just generally sitting around and enjoying the fact that it's not cold while trying not to get bitten by mosquitoes or infected by Lyme-disease-ridden ticks. All of the kids have a week or two of half-day "camp" here and there, but other than that, they're here.
We're lucky that our circumstances let them hang out around home – my job is flexible, and they're finally old enough (at 8, 8, 10 and 13) to really fend for and entertain themselves for large chunks of time. They don't want to go to sleep-away camp, and as far as I'm concerned, they don't need to. Spending a big part of the summer away from home and in a constant swirl of organized activity isn't something I'd push them toward (although if any of them wanted to spend a week or two at sleep-away camp or a day camp, I'd be fine with that).
I know you've made a different call for your girls, and I'm intrigued. Why so many weeks away from home?
Summer Freedom Means Sleep-Away Camp
KJ, you forgot to mention that my 9-year-old daughters applied to Camp KJ but were turned down.
There is one reason above all for why I've sent my daughters away for seven weeks: They need time away from me and my wife.
Let me say that I'm fascinated by your question and the huge divide in how families spend their summers. I'll start with me and my wife. I grew up in Savannah, Ga., as you know, and attended 8-week-long summer camp in Maine starting when I was 7. My older brother was there; I went to visit and stayed. Though I didn't know this at the time, summer camp has deep roots in the experience of American Jews. Largely trapped in cities and with few places to teach their kids how to swim, sail, play tennis, etc., Jews dispatched their kids to sleep-away camp, sometimes far away. My wife's family did the same from Newton, Mass. It was social; it was cultural; it was tribal.
Today there are lots of pressures pushing back on that tradition. Parents want to spend more time with their kids today; "family time" is generally more prized. Also, since dual-working parents are the norm, there are many more options out there – computer camp, soccer camp, cooking camp, SAT prep camp.
But for me personally, there is one reason above all for why I've sent my daughters away for seven weeks: They need time away from us. I'm an unabashed, full-throttle, fully engaged dad. I believe it's good for all of us, but that doesn't mean I'm blind to the consequences. I hope and expect that testing a few boundaries, learning a few new skills and bruising a few shins and egos is a summer well-spent. I know you prize those values as well, so I'm curious: Do you totally let them lead every day or do you push them out of their safety zone?
I Want the Unplanned Days for My Kids
You're right to guess that summer sleep-away camp isn't part of my tradition. I grew up in Texas and Kansas, and camp was for people in books and movies. I never went, never knew anyone who went, and it didn't sound good to me — I had glasses and allergies, and I didn't swim well, in part because swimming isn't fun if you can't see anything. I spent my summers roaming neighborhoods and sometimes fields, depending on where we lived, checking books out of the library, writing stories and creating worlds on the floor of my bedroom — or, if I was lucky, hanging out by the side of various pools with friends, not putting my head in.
I'm trying to recreate a feeling I loved as a child: that of having whole vistas of time and choice at my fingertips.
Like you, I'm trying to recreate a feeling I loved as a child: that of having whole vistas of time and choice at my fingertips. Do I push them out of their safety zone? I think the answer to that is yes. I push them out of the safety of having everything planned for them. Come summer and the comfort of a structured day drops away, leaving them to answer questions like: "What do I actually want to do today?" I know adults who can't answer that. (Minecraft and other screen diversions are for weekends.)
It's not always glorious. I work at home, and we're pushing through what I know will be a week or two of "but what should I do-oo-oo?" I throw them (and me) a bone in the form of a babysitter to drive anyone who wants to go to the pond or science museum once in a while, and I make a point of telling them when I'll knock off work and sticking to it. But those are details. Obviously not everyone can afford camp, and just as obviously not everyone can let the kids rattle around the house all day. That's not at the root of why we've made different family choices.
I Want the Camp Instruction for Mine
I love the image of your kids crying out, "But what should I do-oo-oo?' and your just ignoring them and forcing them to come up with an answer themselves. I also love the idea that they have vast vistas of unstructured time they have to take possession of. And in that notion, I do think we have some common ground here: We both want our children to use the summer to be freer from us and compelled to take some steps toward self-definition.
I like the campfires, songs, ghost stories, canoe races, color war and the circle of friends outside of school.
But I don't want to sugarcoat the differences here, either. I could hide behind the fact that we live in the city and therefore our children have fewer places they can run to without worry or harm. And I certainly agree that both of the options we're discussing do cost money, though these days most working parents have to make some accommodations for their kids during school vacations. All those sports and arts camps aren't just there for enrichment; they're there to make parents' lives easier.
But since we started by talking about camp, I want to endorse camp for camp's sake. First, I like the instruction. My kids will spend about six weeks of unstructured and family time this summer; and seven weeks of more structured time. That feels about right. Second, I like the traditions. Campfires, songs, ghost stories, canoe races, color war. They can't get that in our neighborhood and even if I took the summer off, they can't get that from me. Finally, and this may be a thing with daughters, I want them to have friends outside their school friends, so that when circles get claustrophobic in coming years, they have an outlet. This year is an experiment. It may not work. But I'm willing to give it the old camp try.
Of Course, Soon We'll Find Out What Our Kids Want
I'm glad you love the image; it's making me crazy right about now. I don't want to sugarcoat, either — camp scares me a little. Seven weeks is a long time. It's hard for me to imagine giving my children so thoroughly over to an experience that's unfamiliar to me, as long as they're not actively campaigning for it.
You're absolutely right in one sense: Our common ground is that we're both trying to give our children freedom. You're freeing your girls from the roles and expectations parents invariably supply; I'm freeing my kids from the tyranny of schedules — or at least that's how we see it. Truly, I'm still always striving to free myself from the tyranny of a schedule. I'm giving my kids the summer I want. The real test — for both of us — will happen when our children come to us with their own, different summer plans. My youngest son just asked me to find him some more day camps because he "likes having something to do."
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Source: https://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2014/07/07/should-you-send-your-children-to-summer-camp
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